On confidence

The main piece of feedback I remember from my first ever professional development review – you need to work on your confidence.

This is a comment that’s followed me around for the last 15 years. But it wasn’t until recently I began to better understand this idea of ‘confidence’.

I recently completed Lauren Currie’s UpFront course. This happened to coincide with me starting my own business and buying my first home – yes I decided to do both of those things at the same time!

This experience has taught me a few things.

Women knock other women down

This is a simple learning but a powerful one. I hadn’t properly considered it before UpFront. How often, as a woman, do you think, or even say, things like: she’s such a show off?

I readily admit I’ve done it myself. I’ve avoided women I’ve thought were too out there, too visible. And I’ve made judgements. I’ve cringed at LinkedIn and Instagram videos of people talking to camera.

Why? Because we’re conditioned into thinking women shouldn’t behave like this. It’s not the 1920’s anymore but we still behave like it is. And if women do this to other women, what hope have we got?

My biggest learning from UpFront is that women need to lift other women up. UpFront creates a positive, supportive environment for that to happen and its powerful.

Little things add up

UpFront is full of practical tips and tricks. Most of the things are small things you don’t notice until they are pointed out to you but the sum of the parts adds up.

Ever noticed how many times a day you apologise? Not for times you have genuinely messed up but for things you perceive to have done wrong.

Last week I ran a meeting that was, by my standards, a bit below par. But the brief was still forming and we were figuring out the work. After the meeting I went on what can only be described as a ‘sorry spree’. I slacked almost every member of the meeting apologising for my incompetence. Why? Because in a world designed by white men, for white men women often don’t feel good enough.

Ever analysed the language you use in emails? As women we can undermine what we’re saying or asking without even realising it. This article is a perfect example of this. It’s something I do regularly and once you’re aware of the phrases it feels great to edit them out.

And that’s before even getting started on public speaking. Which in lockdown is a whole new set of challenges. Turns out I am almost incapable of eye contact through a laptop and have a pre-disposition for touching my hair while talking. Things that only serve to diminish my status.

Until UpFront I’d never dared watch myself back on video before. It’s enlightening. If you get a chance – do it.

We need to validate ourselves

This is more of a personal leaning. I’ve always needed high levels of external validation to fuel me. There are reasons for this that date back to when I was very small.

How we develop when we’re younger has such a huge impact on how we behave as adults. While UpFront teaches this idea of ‘unlearning’ things society has baked into us, there is plenty of unlearning potential we can do at an individual level too. Things that are specific to how we were brought up and how we developed.

For me one of those things is learning to validate myself and not relying on others. For me, confidence is really linked with low self esteem and not believing in myself or my ideas. I need to find ways, especially as I move into running my own business, to give myself the boost I need while actually letting others validation properly sink in.

Launching my own business resulted in so much love coming my way and I copied and pasted every LinkedIn and Twitter comment into a document which I banked for later. Because I know I’ll need it when times get tough.

It’s empowering to think we can unlearn things. That its not just ‘who we are’, we can train our brains to think differently.

Stop striving for perfection

Linked to this is the idea of needing something to be perfect. This is again something that’s been with me for a long time. The comment under my photo in my school leavers book was “trust me I’m a perfectionist.”.

For someone who’s in the business of helping people sit with uncertainty while shape products and services iteratively – I really struggle to apply this to myself.

I need ‘Get going and then get good’ on a t-shirt. Better still a large sign in my new office where I can see it every day.

I procrastinated for weeks about Joy and the idea behind it. I didn’t even tell my partner. I could have taken much longer perfecting the website and toiling over the wording. Thanks to Leanne Griffin and my SD Brekkie crew I didn’t do that. But I needed telling.

This is something that’s going to take a fair bit of unlearning but I’m getting there. And for me, it’s important to remember Lauren’s words: “no idea is original but your perspective is.”

This is my current perspective on confidence.